


Scientific Inquiry

by Jumpyrope



Category: Homestuck
Genre: I finally gave in and am writing a homestuck fic, M/M, going back to my roots
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-30
Updated: 2016-12-30
Packaged: 2018-09-13 10:00:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,636
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9118729
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jumpyrope/pseuds/Jumpyrope
Summary: Dave gets a troll virus on his computer and needs help. There's not much more to it than that. ... or is there?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I finally gave in to my internal desire for writing for a more popular fandom than corpse party. Ah poor homestuck, I knew him.

It's about two in the morning when he gets a phone call. Groaning, Sollux Captor zaps his cellular device with psionics to answer it, putting it on speaker so he doesn't have to still his typing hands. 

"What do you want." He answers, not caring who it was. Someone always wanted something. The voice that comes out of the speaker surprises him though. 

"Is that any way to greet a lady, Mr. Captor?" The voice is so obviously none other than Dave Strider, doing a clearly fake falsetto to imitate a girl. Sollux continues typing his line of code, a little more purposefully so Dave would be able to hear it through the receiver. 

"What do you want, Dave." He says again, glaring at his screen as if Dave could see him. 

"Aw how'd you know it was me? Besides caller ID and shit. And the fact that I can't do a lady voice worth shit. But I think that was a pretty good try don't you? Like a real southern bell." He starts speaking in the falsetto again, exaggerating his southern accent. "Why Miss Scarlet, I do believe I've stolen your voice." He goes back to speaking normally. "But only a little bit. It'd be weird if I could do perfect impressions with this manly ass swoon worthy voice I've got. Are you swooning over there, Captor? Tell me you're swooning." 

Sollux responds in monotone.   
"What do you want, Dave." 

"Right, ever the businessman. Straight to the point. I like that about you, you've got a go-getter attitude. Don't let anyone bring you down. Besides yourself which is bullshit, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. But that's another point for another day." Sollux has to cut him off before this gets more embarrassing for the both of them. 

"Dave you're rambling." He says, closing his eyes and using one hand to rub the bridge of his nose while he continued typing with the other. 

"So it would seem. I do that a lot I guess. S'pose it comes with being a master wordsmith. Not like Rose though, these words only come in sick beats. Yo, you wanna hear something I've been working on?" 

"No." 

"Cool so here's the thing-" Sollux can hear him start a recording of a music sample with a drum machine start up in the background, and he knows exactly where this is going. 

"Strider can you please shut up of one measly second of your insignificant life?" He snaps, stilling his hands. The music stops. 

"Shit man okay, why didn't you say so if you were getting annoyed?" Dave doesn't sound hurt by the insult at all, moreso like he expected such a reaction. 

"I thought it was obvious to anyone with at least half a brain, but I guess you don't fit into that category." Sollux grumbles, headache growing worse by the second. 

"Ouch." Dave laughs a lighthearted chuckle, which only serves to annoy Sollux more. Would it kill him to at least get a little upset by this pure hatred being shot at him? 

"Dave if you don't tell me what you want right the fuck now I'm hanging up and never talking to you again." He practically growls, an angry feeling in his chest bubbling up. Sure, whatever, he had a black crush on Dave Strider, but it wasn't a big deal. It was barely even a crush, just more of an occasional pining. But how could anyone not hate that guy's guts? 

"Shit man really, you'll never talk to me again? I know we both don't want that so damn guess I'll cut to the chase." Dave coughs, and it's obvious he's s bit hesitant to continue. "I got. Uh. I got a virus on my computer. And it's a troll virus." 

"How do you know it's a troll virus?" Sollux asks, finally opening his eyes and interested in the situation. 

"Because my computer is ticking down to detonation."


	2. Problem Solution

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave's computer is about to blow up what more is there to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long. But here it is now in all its sjitty glory. I will continue onwards.

"Shit." Is all that Sollux can say.   
"Yeah, shit. So can you help me or should I be evacuating?" Dave honestly sounded worried, though it was hard to tell his feelings behind the facade he puts up, even in his tone of voice.   
"Fuck, how long has this been going on and how much longer is left?" Sollux asks quickly, direct and businesslike. He wasn't about to dick around about this. He was already grabbing important things that he might need to help him get this virus off Dave's computer. It should be easy for him to do, he's done it plenty of times with things Karkat had sent him before, completely on accident of course. That idiot didn't know his way around a detonation virus enough to not end up setting it off on himself. In any case, Dave quickly responded.   
"I don't know, it's all in trollish, or whatever the fuck your language is called. But it's definitely ticking down."   
"Dammit how long has it been ticking? I don't want to run all the way to your room just to blow up with you."   
"Wouldn't that be romantic though? Two lovers clasping hands as the world crumbles and rips apart around them."   
"Shut the fuck up and tell me if I should continue to waste my time on this or let you die." Sollux responded, unamused.   
"Fuck man you're a harsh one aren't ya. Yes, please get your ass over here and quickly. I even said please so hurry up dammit!" Dave's voice was starting to get a little higher pitched than it was before, and Sollux would find it more funny that Dave was scared if he wasn't frightened himself.   
"Whatever, shut up and open your door. I'm here." Sollux says, arriving on fast legs at the door to Dave's block.   
"Damn that was-" Dave starts through the phone, before opening the door "-fast."   
"Yes, now move. Get out of the way. Where is your device?" He asks, pushing Dave out of the way and following the slight ticking noise into the room. Dave pointed him to the culprit and Sollux sighed in relief. "Good, we've got two minutes." He says, though Dave doesn't seem half as relieved.   
"Two minutes? That's about enough time to toast a fuckin pop tart, not enough time to defuse a bomb!" 

Sollux just snickers in response, getting to work and finishing removing the simple virus within one and a half minutes. "Don't you know two is my lucky number? Besides, this was easy. One of the simplest viruses you could get and get rid of. You musta really been on some sketchy porn site in order to come across this shit. 

Dave's face actually flushes a little. "What, no way. I was just browsing the space interwebs and came across this thing normally. It's not like I was downloading snuff or anything." He responds, crossing his arms with a huff.   
"Really?" Sollux replies, raising an incredulous eyebrow. "Because this site you got it from here is "hot buckets dot com" so you can't tell me you weren't there." 

Caught red handed, Dave tries to save face. "Okay okay you got me there. But is it illegal to wonder what troll junk is like and how they do it? I mean, you obviously don't wonder. But like, being a human and meeting an alien race, it's just a normal thought right? You can't blame me for curiosity."   
"No, I can't. But I can still make fun of you for it." Sollux replies plainly. Dave groans back in annoyance.   
"Fine fine, just don't tell the others." He says, actually seeming pretty dead serious. Sollux can't help but laugh at his life-or-death-situation type of tone in his voice.   
"Chill out, I'm not gonna tell. Or will I. Let's see, what can you do for me that'll ensure I won't tell?" He says, tapping his chin with a sly smirk. Dave looks flustered for a moment before regaining his cool. After all, if the alien computer nerd was the coolest guy in the room, Dave seriously fucked up. 

"Okay okay, I can uh. Wash your laundry for you for a month?" He asks, thinking that might be enough to appease the troll with the power over him. He was dead wrong.   
"Laundry? You think that would work on me? I mean sure, you can do my laundry too but that won't be enough for me. Think of something else." 

Dave grunts, thoroughly annoyed. "Fine. I don't know, why don't you come up with something since you're so smart, huh?" It seemed that this was the exact answer Sollux wanted to hear.   
"Oh, I don't want much. Just give me what I want every so often when I need it and we'll be even. Like right now, I'm a pretty needy guy, and all this talk about troll genitalia has gotten me a bit..." it was hard for him to keep a straight face, since he was trying to act serious about wanting sexual favors. The ruse seemed to work on Dave though, as the poor guy stepped back with surprise. "What? Fuck no, I'm not banging you! I- hey, the fuck are you laughing?" Dave cuts himself off as he hears snickers from Sollux's direction, and sure enough the troll was covering his mouth with his shoulders bumping up and down.   
"God damn, you actually fell for it. Cool your fucking jets Strider, I don't want to fuck you. Hell, I wouldn't touch your weird squishy human body with a twelve foot pole. Humans are gross." He rolled his eyes, waving a hand upon goodbye as he started to leave. "See you later, pervert. My work here is done." 

And with that goodbye, Sollux left the room feeling more energized than he had in a long time, and left Dave feeling confused.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will be more to come. At some point. Idk when. Thank you for reading and every comment and kudos is beyond appreciated

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah so this will be continued when I have more energy I just didn't want this to be a one and done fanfic so it's gonna have a few more chapters idk how many.


End file.
